Outlet of Feelings

I am angry. Im angry for a lot of reasons. I am angry at a lot of people but mostly at myself.

I always expected 4th yr college to be a great year knowing that its my last year and all but it seems that its quite the opposite. Im having the worst year of all time and what's funny a bout it is that its not caused by my academics. im not complaining nor i want anyone to do anything about it. im just venting out my disappointment. thats all.

i just want an opportunity to get out of my shell. Since its my last year and all, i want to have that feeling of excitement, of adventure, of happiness, of passion, anything that's worth remembering by when i grow old.

But then I'm scared to pursue things because people too are so unsupportive and discouraging.

Of Gossips and Rumors

i use to love saturdays but now im terrified of it. i feel disturbed and anxious because i kinda expect something terrible to happen like another issue or gossip or bad news about me might pop up again. im actually expecting something like that will happen again to me right now since today is a saturday.
i know i havent been really mature in handling issues especially the latest one. I know i shouldn't be affected because it isn't true. i know it with all my heart that it isn't true. Im not bugged that people talk behind my back. I dont really care what they think of me. I never did. Im just bugged because someone really important and close to me believed it. And the point that people close to me believed makes it harder for me to cope. I believe that those people know me better than any other person on this earth and the fact that they believe in the issues made me even question myself i was really like that.. I had a lot of encouragement from friends but the best i got was, "stay strong". i dont know why that made a big impact on me but its sufficient for me to hold on. The idea that God knows what's truly in our hearts makes me more fired up and as much as i want to prove to them that they're wrong, i dont think that i should because i dont owe anyone any explanation. who are they anyway? God knows who i really am and that's enough.

Escape

I created this poem last August 14, 2006. It's almost a year ago and I'm celebrating its anniversary. Everyone has their crappy moments. Moments where reality really sucks and you just want to escape everything. Moments when you want everything to disappear and have a break from all the stress and pressures in life. Moments where you want to give everything up but dont have that choice to do so. Moments where you feel lonely. Moments when you feel that the world is pressing down on you. This poem is dedicated to people who have experienced these kinds of moments. As you read the poem, may it take away your sorrows and pain. May you feel relieved and calmed because for a moment, you have an escape...

Come run away with me
To a place no one will ever find
Let me take you to a journey
To a place where dreams are alive
Come take my hand
Let me guide you through this tough ride
Hold on to me
And we'll be fine
Follow me to a world
Where love and sorrow are blind
Don't be afraid
Take a dip into my mind
Come take my hand
We're escaping reality tonight.

Battles

During times of war, how do you know when to fight, when to retreat and when to surrender?

In life, how do you know when to pursue, when to pause and when to give something up?

"A person without a dream never had a dream come true"

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved" -- Helen Keller

Donna

I dreamt of my close friend Donna last night. It's vague and I barely remember the details. Anyway, no one knows where she is right now. Her family wont tell us too and its almost been a month now since she's been out of school. Most of the people are too busy with deadlines and exams to be thinking of her. I've been one of those busy people too but I guess a part of me still thinks of her and misses her because she has really been one of the greatest and closest friend I had in college.

Wherever you are Donna, we miss you and love you!

Double Agents

Last camp I attended, we had a spy game activity. During that activity, two of our team members were kidnapped. Our task was to rescue our teammates with the use of the clues left by the kidnappers. At the end of the game, we found out that one of our team members was a double agent- meaning, he was misleading us!

The organizers explained to us the meaning of the game... Our team is like the church. We must go out and rescue people out there who need Christ but throughout our mission, there will always be people who will discourage us and stop us from performing our mission. These are double agents.

I've been in my church for 8 years already. I've always looked up to the leaders of our church since I was attending the youth fellowship. I always prayed to God to have that privilege of serving in the church. I was delighted that after 4 years, I was called into service. Although I was hesitant at first because God placed me in the worship ministry. Everyone knows I have NO musical talent of whatsoever. I only sing one note and couldnt play any single instrument. But I was willing anyway. God blessed me in that ministry and Im still there after 3 years. God called me to different ministries and Im so delighted to be used by God so effectively in the church especially in the youth ministry.. But that journey was not as beautiful and as easy as I narrate it. There were times of hesitation, times of struggle and times of discouragements. These where the times where people doubt you, people expected so much from you. These where the times where you feel unworthy of such position in the church. These were times where balancing priorities become so difficult. Being a leader especially a Christian leader is not easy. There are so many eyes looking up on us and no one knows how much pressure we feel to be perfect and blameless in the sight of others.

I can take the persecution of non-Christians. I've had a lot of those during my college days where I've been told that Christians are so discriminating because we dont want to be courted by non believers. Much more that Im Chinese. People see me as a discriminating racist. I can take the persecution of non-Christians but I CAN NEVER TAKE the PERSECUTIONS of FELLOW CHRISTIANS. Let me repeat that to show more emphasis. I can never take the persecutions of fellow Christians. We are suppose to be working for the same BOSS, our Lord Jesus Christ. Why are we putting each other down? Why are we discouraging one another? We are of the same body. It's stupid to put one part of the body down. I admit that I have put some fellow Christians down too in the past. I have become judgmental and narrow minded. But I'm truly sorry for that. I have NO RIGHT to judge people because no one knows their true intentions except for God. And if ever their intentions are not really pure, I have no business with it because s/he is only accountable to God. We as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ are here to support and encourage one another. Not judge one another. That's God's job. Not ours. God gave us each other to help us grow in each other. If ever we know of a brother or sister who is not doing his/her job well in serving the Lord, we shouldn't talk behind his/her back nor discourage her. Jesus never did that to the tax collectors and sinners. Instead, he showed them His love and brought them back renewed and ready for service. What we should do instead is make them aware of their actions in a loving and encouraging manner just as Jesus did. :)

Forwarded Mail

One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets of town, taking those extra precautions necessary when the roads are wet and slick.
Suddenly my daughter, Aspen, spoke up from her relaxed position in her seat. "Dad, I'm thinking of something."
This announcement usually meant she had been pondering some fact for a while, and was now ready to expound all that her six-year-old mind had discovered. I was eager to hear.
"What are you thinking?" I asked.
"The rain!" she began, "is like sin, and the windshield wipers are like God wiping our sins away."
After the chill bumps raced up my arms I was able to respond. "That's really good, Aspen."
Then my curiosity broke in. How far would this little girl take this revelation? So I asked...
"Do you notice how the rain keeps on coming? What does that tell you?"
Aspen didn't hesitate one moment with her answer: "We keep on sinning, and God just keeps on forgiving us."
I will always remember this whenever I turn my wipers on.

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.

Encouragement

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Passing Thoughts

Thesis... ehehehe.